A woman's style

[hockeysc23]

Thank you. You all seem to have a better handle on this than me, as I'm 30 and pretty comfortable/confident in grasping my personal style. I guess I just don't want to ever resent her, or see another woman and wish she dressed like another women. Cost is also a thing, while I'm frugal, I know many men/women who spend a lot on their clothing. But the resounding message I hear is that this shouldn't be a deal breaker by any means.

In my opinion there may always be a better dressed woman or someone that catches your eye. Same from her perception. I think the key is can you accept them as they are. In my experience don’t go in wanting to change someone. They may change but forcing someone to change can lead to frustration for both parties.

[mebejoseph]

Oh boy--I love this subject on so many levels.

First, my wife worked in fashion design and production before she returned to school and ultimately finished law school and went to work as a healthcare executive. So, she thinks she knows everything about fashion--or for sure she knows she knows more than I do. She routinely shows me two pairs of shoes, asks me which to wear with her outfit, and then picks the ones I don't like.

No joke.

Second--I like her style most of the time, except for one issue: She is more into quantity than quality. Seriously--her closet is jammed full of clothing. As well as three or four other closets in our place. It is STILL jammed after she donated 25 pairs of pants and 30 dresses to Goodwill a few weeks ago. She has over 100 pairs of shoes and over 50 pairs of boots. She never wears most of this stuff.

And she buys most of it at TJ Max or Marshalls. UGH!!!

Seriously--her style is 90% great--but she doesn't have any clothing that looks expensive (except for her extremely expensive handbags--jeez--I can't believe the prices on that stuff--I've paid less for cars--and I LOVE it when she carries those). I don't know how else to put it. She makes a good deal of money, but she'd rather buy five cheap dresses than one smashing one. That bugs me. I like a good sale, but I want my clothing to look and feel "upscale." As a lot of you know, that goes especially for my shoes.

Third--this disconnect has been good for me to learn about myself. Why does her habit bother me so much? Well, for one, my mother was a cheapskate (even when we weren't poor) and when I was a kid she dressed us in clothes that were often ridiculed when we were kids.

And there were times we were poor. That feels shameful to me, although I don't have that judgment about others who are poor. Okay, I've spent a lot of time in therapy, so I could go into this for a long time. I won't.

Fourth--Although this goes way beyond a men's style forum, I would encourage you to use your relationship to learn about yourself and drill down a few levels to discover what it is that bothers you about this (and other issues as well as they arise).

I will suggest for your consideration that your discomfort with her style says something about your own insecurities, just as my discomfort with my wife's fashion habits says something about my insecurities.

It could be important if and when you elect to have children. If you project your own insecurities on your kiddos, you'll probably be extra hard and demanding with them. I know I was with mine before I learned better (after they were young adults, unfortunately).

And that's way more of my opinion than you asked for, so I'll sign off for now.

Good subject!

[julius12]

One way to try to influence her to dress better is to comment how you like an outfit on a woman you see in a movie or tv (just not a woman you know personally or see regularly in real life).

With my wife, I just help her with color coordination/combinations, but leave everything else to her. She's always had her own style, slightly fashionista but not to the point of shopping weekly. Sometimes she thinks of buying something fashion-y and I try to convince her to really think about it if she'll be wearing the item regularly for a long time, especially if it's shoes. But ultimately she makes her own decisions and I let her make the occasional mistake, then say I told you so.

[Evenflow]

Take her shopping and point out what you like. She will probably like some of it as well, and then buy it for her.

[blan2819]

Man, so much more great commentary from you all! I grew up in Oklahoma - while it's geographically the Midwest, culturally it's the South. I've always been around women who place more stock in dressing well and looking presentable. I've also been around women who work corporate jobs, meaning they have to dress up more on a day to day, which spills over into their non-work wardrobe, meaning they may pay more attention to their personal fashion. Not a blanket statement or generality by any means whatsoever, just what I've been conditioned to over the years.

@mebejoseph - I think this certainly has something to do with my insecurities. I suppose I've always had an idea of what success is supposed to look like. High paying job, wearing suits to work each day, having a significant other who is also uber successful, who dresses well, who is a social butterfly...etc. All things which don't define any of the important aspects about life and relationships.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, and I'm afraid I'm not ready to come to grips with my outlook on this, which will deem detrimental. I think I'm at a real crossroads in life, and this is one of those issues where I'm going to transform one way or the other.

[Ron]

I'm no expert on fashion myself so I'd never give my wife advice unless asked for. She is a jeans and t shirt kinda girl. She prefers to be very casual when she is not working. Her clothes fit well but she has no interest in fashion.
She always looks professional when she dresses for work. She dresses conservatively but probably dresses better then most of her colleagues especially the younger ones. She sounds similar to mebejoseph's wife. She has a lot of shoes but nothing expensive. She loves sales and finds a lot of more expensive items at bargain prices.

FWIW I could really care less about her sense of fashion or lack thereof. Would I like it if she dressed more stylishly? Sure.
That said, all her other great attributes are so much more important, at least to me. Of course to each their own.

And don't judge a book by its cover. She is very successfully in a male dominated occupation besides being a great wife and mother.

[3piece]

Probably the first step is to know her stance on dressing differently than mainstream. Some say it's wrong; some say "I'm not worthy;" some say "I wanna but peer pressure" or don't know how to start.

Perhaps start by asking her what she thinks about what you wear. Do that and report back!

[JBarwick]

@blan2819 - You know you could always buy her something fashionable and see if it sparks interest. Here is the reason I say this. My wife is very fashionable and I was not. I work Dickie's shorts and baggy shirts. Nothing really with a collar. Well she took me to a J. Crew factory and I was floored...I spent like $110 on 3-4 things that were not my style at all. Somewhere around that time I joined Dappered and things changed. I now care about what I look like and honestly it has changed not only my confidence but my work as well. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be where I am today.

To say it another way, I have leg tattoos and people treat you differently when they meet me for the first time in shorts vs. covering up the tattoos with pants. It usually comes as a surprise when someone sees me in shorts for the first time after knowing me. Previously I said I didn't care what people thought of me but deep down I probably did. People will judge you by looking at you and it can be hard to break that mold. Putting that extra effort in shows. The other person can subtly tell "this person cares how they look." Caring about yourself can speak volumes and I know I have caught myself doing the same damned thing.

All that said, I would buy her something. Not opposite spectrum of what she may wear but tangential. For me it was a button up shirt and some chino shorts that fit well. Also present it with a story as it will attach a feeling to the item so she may like it more and will be more willing to give it a try.

Good luck man.

[mark4]

I know we're all on a style forum so we all care about style...but keep it in perspective. Style is a virtue, but it's a pretty minor virtue compared to things like honesty, integrity, a good sense of humor and just being an all around sweet, kind, reasonable person. If she's attractive and she's got all that and the chemistry is good I wouldn't make her personal style a deal breaker. You could start by buying her some clothing you'd like to see her wear. Is the issue that she thinks she's styling and you disagree or just that she doesn't really put any effort or thought into her clothes because she doesn't care that much. I used to be like that, so that aspect could change. Also if apathy or just a general lack of knowledge of what's trendy is the issue then you could buy her a couple of outfits and when she sees how she looks in them and the difference it makes maybe she starts to develop more of an interest?

[mebejoseph]

@mebejoseph - I think this certainly has something to do with my insecurities. I suppose I've always had an idea of what success is supposed to look like. High paying job, wearing suits to work each day, having a significant other who is also uber successful, who dresses well, who is a social butterfly...etc. All things which don't define any of the important aspects about life and relationships.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, and I'm afraid I'm not ready to come to grips with my outlook on this, which will deem detrimental. I think I'm at a real crossroads in life, and this is one of those issues where I'm going to transform one way or the other.

Yes, I think I have that same idea of success--that's a hard one for me to shake, but I have at least learned how to not let it trip me up. And even that took me until I was close to 50 until I was ready to come to grips with most of my insecurities, so I get it. Everything in its own time.

I'm going to make one more suggestion. There's nothing wrong with taking her shopping or calling her attention to outfits that you like on other women, but I suggest that you're upfront about what you're doing. Otherwise, you're making a "secret contract." In other words, "I'm going to take you shopping to buy outfits that I like and after that, you're going to start dressing more the way I like," without telling her your expectations is unfair to both of you. You can end up resenting her if she doesn't change and that resentment will eventually express itself somehow. That rarely works out.

If I were to do that, I might wait for a particular event and then offer to take her out to buy her an outfit that you both like for that event, with the agreement ahead of time that you're only going to buy it if you both like it. I'll tell you--my wife would just tell me, "no way." So it might not work with your SO either. But at least you're not setting yourself up for failure.