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    Dappered Dating Discussion



    I thought we could use a thread for the topic that probably consumes most of our brain-time (at least it does for me?). And also I'm just curious to hear the result of all your well-dressing effort.


    So ice-breaker questions to get things going: How many of you are single/in a relationship/married? What advice would you give those of us with less experience in the matter? How does clothing affect your ability to interest women/men?


    #2


    In the middle of a break up with my baby mama(hence my shopping sprees now that I don't have to worry about a ring etc)


    Nice guys finish last is very true; Now that doesn't mean be a complete dickhead, but don't be the guy that thinks a woman is "above his level" type,


    eg. Saying "you're too good for me": Married friend now, great looking gal, was dating a guy that said that and she finally got it in her head "What am I doing with this guy" and that was that.


    Just roughly off the top of my head.


    Do:

    Open doors,

    stand on the outside of the sidewalk when walking(that's right you get to get hit by the car)

    Be confident(again don't be a dipshit)

    Have funny things to talk about(stories, comedians, movies)

    Don't go out with the intention of getting laid

    Be fun/spontanious, if you're walking her home or walking around, go in a random coffee shop(depending of time of day of course) or get her to help you pick out monk straps! :P


    Don't:

    Feed constant compliments

    Act needy or obsessive

    Just talk about bland things(I do this this and this for work and my god do I hate my job)

    Give her your power "Or here I'll hold your purse and buy you and your friends a round"


    Just general phone stuff: if you send a text message and don't get a response right away don't keep sending more leave it be;this i've learned MANY times over the years, carriers suck and there are delays etc. If you get a text message and are not sure of the tone, DON'T ASSUME it's rude, loud etc always give the benefit of the doubt.


    Edit: Regarding focus advice, the whole point of the above is to get her to be attracted to you rather than write you off from the start, you can slowly reveal you quirky side/shoe addiction etc. But rather than lose out on an opportunity to meet someone just because you want to wear sneekers and torn jeans, maybe they would have the same quirky humor etc but you missed out. Also Divorce rates etc are all up, people tend to put in less effort more along in a relationship. Crazy Stupid Love was actually quite on the money in the opening scene, I've done the same thing, stopped putting in effort to my appearance after a while and it does reflect on your attitude towards the relationship. She wanted to go out for fancy dinners and dress up, where I was kind of going why bother lets eat steak at home. In my defense she did give me hell for ordering new clothes etc because it could mess up my bday/xmas, now that I have nice shoes again I want to go out dressed to the nines


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      #3


      I firmly believe in just being yourself. All day, everyday. Dont "try". I had a spree of 3 quick relationships 7 years ago (the longest lasting a couple weeks) then things clicked with a girl from my highschool, went on a date, almost 7 years later now and were newly married. I acted the same way on all the dates, like myself. We had a great time and everything just felt natural. I feel like it is extremely obvious when you try too hard. If the person doesnt accept or love you for who you are, it wont work out, and somewhere along the road, they will know your true self.

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        #4


        A Cautionary Tale


        I met this beautiful, confident, and conversant girl the other day at a networking event (her first). I'm not often at a loss for words, but she pretty much turned my brain to mush. I guess I objectively had more in common (goal-wise, as I'm trying to start my own business) with her older sister, but I haven't been slack-jawed (at least mentally) in a while. Let's put it this way: she attracted guys like an Allen Edmonds sale attracts ... us.


        Worst part? I friended her on LinkedIn and Facebook with zero response through searches. I never got her personal email address (busy networking event with other guys constantly talking to her).


        The networking event ended in a torrential thunderstorm. Lighting, take-your-shoes-off-and-run-for-the-hills type stuff. As I was preparing to walk the sisters to their car like a gentleman (readying my weatherproof Filson 256 as my makeshift umbrella), I was accosted by some potential software developers (read: spawn of Satan) for my email address. In hurriedly giving them my information, I missed the chance to say goodbye and maybe follow up with a lunch.


        Lesson learned: Don't rely on her contacting you (I gave out my card). ALWAYS get her card/contact information. Sigh.

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          #5


          Single here, suck at meeting women (or anybody really). Being overly career focused doesn't help, but I'm learning how to balance things. Being 5'7" (...with shoes on) doesn't help either. Dressing well helps with respect to confidence, but I feel like it makes it harder to meet people when you're in a group and you're the only one not wearing cargo pants. I guess I could try going to art galleries and the like but I haven't exactly mastered the art of conversation so I get intimidated.


          I've noticed that I seem to care more about how women dress, though I'm not sure if it's reasonable to draw any conclusions about their personality from it. But I feel like if I'm making an effort, it's not unfair to look for women that do the same. Then again I see cute girls with cargo-short/sandals/baseball cap/sports team t-shirt wearing guys all the time, so who knows.

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            #6


            I'm 31 and married and the absolute best piece of dating advice I can give is to be yourself.


            Ok, I should qualify that: be a well-edited version of yourself. Everything shadow says about self-confidence (demonstrating higher value (DHV), in game-speak) and not being needy (DLV) is important to learn, and some of it will likely not come naturally to you, but learn how to do it in a way that feels completely natural to you. Otherwise you'll just be following a bunch of rules and you'll not only have a harder time of coming off as genuine but also of attracting the kind of person you want. Basically, try to become an interesting, well-rounded person, whatever that means to you, and you'll begin to attract the sort of women you want to attract.


            As far as dressing better goes, its biggest value is not simply in making you appear more attractive but in making you feel more self-confident.


            In a way, dating (or casual sex) and dressing well are very similar in that there are important and useful rules to getting better at both, but ultimately, once you've learned the basics about the rules, you then have to make them your own according to your own particular genius.


            Edit: I'd also add that you should stay in shape. Even if exercise isn't an interest of yours, this is probably the one exception to the "be yourself" rule. Not only is exercise good for your mental and physical health, it makes you radiate confidence in the way dressing well does. And it makes your clothes fit better!

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              #7


              @shadow4life, good advice on the texting. I've learned the same, but it happened to me with this girl (more on her later) again just now.


              As for "trying" too hard, I'm not sure where to land on that. Cause I find that if I like someone a lot, I just end up subconsciously trying hard. It's definitely important to be yourself, but when you naturally are a better person around someone, you might as well embrace it.


              About dressing, I would say that one of the main reasons I decided to improve my style was for this very reason. I think it was helpful so that I at least wouldn't drive women away (and I'm not yet at the point where my clothes make them fall for me). But most importantly, dressing well helps my confidence a lot. When I feel like I have a well-fitting shirt and decent shoes and whatnot, then I have more willpower to focus on social things. And since I need all the help I can get socially, that is a wonderful benefit.


              And finally, about myself, 100% single. Never even gone on a date. :/ I'm really trying to change that, especially as I've found a girl who is just more wonderful than I could imagine. Like I said, I sometimes have trouble socially, but when I'm with this girl, I forget all about that and we just click. In fact, I did ask her out like 6 months ago, but alas, I did not get the answer a man wants to hear (though not the worst reaction either). After taking some time away from it to think, I realized that I wasn't being stupid and she really does mean a lot to me. She, like me, has never been in a relationship, and I think she's a little nervous about the prospect. So, my approach for the last few months has been to put myself in a position that us dating is almost a natural next step.

              And I know, I should do it now. But it being summer at all, I can't actually see her for 2 more months. So I just have to make everything work well until then.


              Lol, that's maybe a little more than I meant to write.


              But anyways, along with that story and others, the one thing that I have learned is super important - Ask the person out right away! Cause if you see something special in another person, others are realizing the same. Don't get lost in the masses.

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                #8


                Married With Children.


                I would suggest balancing the extremes of meeting lots (or several) of women casually for dates and truly pursuing one woman. Sometimes you waste a lot of time in meaningless interactions with lots of dates, but it helps you define what you're looking for. And pursuing a woman to the exclusion of other women or your long standing friendships can have you waking up one day, realizing it will never work out despite a lot of trying.


                There is something about "things clicking", but I clicked with a lot of women who weren't right. I tend to require a lot of reciprocity and am very sensitive to rejection, so I was never going to win someone over, but I found success by showing an interest in her via my attention, and it's worked from there.

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                  #9


                  Ah mage good advice, that also falls into the confidence category. Best odds also are finding a way of saying "give me your number" rather than ask for it.


                  "You like hockey, there's a game next friday I have tickets for, what's your number" type of deal, it shows more confidence as you're "telling" her that she's going with you vs asking.


                  One VERY important thing, BODY LANGUAGE...learn what signals are what, and what you're projecting.


                  Basics are good start like if she finds an excuse to touch you, if you make eye contact for a few seconds and she looks away then fiddles/plays with hair etc are signs of interest.

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                    #10


                    Part of the reason for my efforts to dress better is that I'm really fed up with being single, though it has yet to bear any fruit. Even though I live in a big progressive city, it's really tough to meet new gay guys when you're not really into the gay scene.

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                      #11


                      I was in a loving, life-long relationship right up to the day when I wasn't. I haven't dated since.


                      That being said, here's my advice:


                      Convince yourself that you are a person with whom someone would genuinely be interested in sharing their life. You are better than most potential partners. You're kinder, more capable, more empathetic, moral, and trustworthy. You're worthy of respect.


                      Once you know that you have worth, and that someone else will want to be with you, you have something more than confidence.


                      Don't bother dating people who aren't up to your standards of kindness, generosity, morality, and trustworthiness. Don't rely on love at first sight or passion. Love will develop if you sincerely respect and admire the person.


                      Some specific advice:


                      thmage, never wait for another person. You're good looking. Don't hesitate. She'll be there when she's there if she's interested.


                      guiltybystander, there are many confident, beautiful women in the world. This women would have called you if she was interested. Move on. You'll find one, or more likely one will find you.


                      nicholascrawford, I have no advice for you, I'm just jealous!

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                        #12


                        @nicolas, I didn't know you had kids! And nice advice too. I definitely agree with casually dating a bunch of people, but I feel like girls my age aren't really interested in that. For anything planned, your either in a group, or your on a serious date. I wish it were more common to have dates just to get to know someone without all the stigma of a relationship. Or maybe I'm really the one who's afraid of that? Hmm.


                        @brushetta, probably good advice. And if this doesn't work out when I see her again, I'll have to take it. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at getting over my feelings for someone.


                        @maccoinnich, sounds like a tough situation. I've noticed that effect, but I'm sure there are plenty of gay guys who aren't into that scene, they're just harder to find.

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                          #13


                          I'm married with kids and olfer than most here so the dating scene is pretty distant in the rearview mirror.


                          Here's my advice, though not everyone will agree:


                          For women aged 25 or less, don't be too nice. Leave a bar conversation once they are obviously interested. Leave a buffer between when you say you'll call and when you actually call. Be interesed but a bit standoffish. This is the age where lots of women are still indulging their bad boy fantasy and that's why they're on the arm of the douche in the Abercrombie baseball cap. Keep your feelings on a dimmer switch. It's hard for a nice guy, but don't be too nice. I qualify all this by saying if there's some etheral connection between you both, forget all this and go for it. Be sure the connection is mutual or you'll end up alone, crying into your re-heated soup and knitting sweaters for your six cats.


                          At 26 and older, a lot of girls have been jilted by the douche in the Abercrombie baseball cap. They seek to wrap themselves around a nice guy. Still, don't be too nice.


                          Once you are in a solid relationship, be nice and respectful. But not too nice.


                          Women would still prefer to hear they have a great ass then being commended for their mind, Yale graduates and nail technicians, all.


                          Ultimately, it doesn't come down to height or clothes or anything of the sort. It comes down to confidence (admittedly clothes is a part of that). If you don't have confidence, learn to fake it. Confidence will reward you a thousand ways: romantically, socially, professionally. Understand that there's a difference between confidence and arrogance and dance between those lines.


                          It all comes down to something I think it was John Madden said about excessive NFL celebrations: When you get to the endzone, act like you've been there before.


                          No one dies saying they'd wished they'd slept with fewer women. Except people who die of horrible STDs. Just saying. You don't always have to be on a single target mission for The One. She'll emerge where you least expect it and probably at an inconvenient time.

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                            #14


                            @Kittiwake30: +1


                            Nice guys finish dead last.

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                              #15


                              @Frost. Yeah, totally. If I look around at my nicest friends, they are all flying solo with limited luck in the lady department.

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